What Love Is..and What It Isn't

Because of recent events in the news regarding Steve Stephens and Cedric Anderson killing women, children, and an elder, because they were having issues in their relationships, I am thinking more and questioning myself and others about that topic that is always a topic, or a question, or a concern with us or with someone in our lives.

Yes, I am talking about that four-letter word - love.

The clichés about love abound, but I wonder if we know what love really is?

According to Complimentarity, Thoughts for Afrikan Warrior Couples:

Searching to find oneself in another, looking for completeness in another, seeking to change another into what one wants, placing enormous amounts of energy in managing another’s impression of you so that they see what you think they want to see or what you desperately need them to see…

Money, employment, the type of car one drives, one's attire, and the rest of it doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to love. For instance, Steve Stephens was a supposed “good guy”. He was educated. He was gainfully employed. He worked with children. He was a member of a respected Black fraternity. He had all of the outward signs of being that guy.

You know that guy. We all do. He was the guy who is supposed the good guy, the nice guy, the guy who isn’t a ‘thug’. He’s the guy that women are told that they should give a chance.

Joy Lane gave Steve Stephens a chance. And for a myriad of reasons, from his gambling problem to the rumored issues with his sexuality, the relationship didn’t work.

And yet, one day, because he was angry at his girlfriend who broke up with him, he decided that he was going to, in his own words, do some sucker shit. And as a result of his actions, an elder in the Cleveland community, Mr. Robert Godwin, died at the hands of Steve Stephens and was posted on a popular social media site.

Stephens wanted the world - the world - to know that two Black women, his mother and his girlfriend, were responsible for his behavior and for the murder of Mr. Godwin. However, Steve Stephens accepted no responsibility for his actions.

What’s sad is that there’s a cadre of folk who sent death threats to Joy Lane, who send her messages that it should have been her who died, rather than the elder, messages in which she was called vile and disgusting names because she ‘made’ Steve Stephens kill one of our elders. See what happened because she should have called him.

Now, let’s look at the case of Cedric Anderson. Cedric Anderson was the ideal man. His wife, Karen Smith, thought she had a wonderful husband. He was a pastor. Perhaps she didn’t realize that Anderson had previous charges of domestic violence. She believed he loved her. After all, they married.

Once they were married, it seems that Anderson’s behavior changed to the degree that Karen Smith moved out of the home they shared. Shortly after that, Anderson showed up at Karen Smith’s school, where she was a special education teacher, killed her, killed one of her students, injured another student and then killed himself.

It seems that Mr. Anderson was very good at impression management.

Pathetically, another cadre of people would say, “Well, she picked him” as if picking him made her responsible for his behavior. Or, some would say, that she must have done or said something to make Anderson do what he did.

Of course, anyone with a functioning brain cell should know that Joy Lane, Karen Smith, or anyone else, is not responsible for the actions of grownass men.

I also wonder what so-called relationship experts, a lá Steve Harvey, Rev. Run, or Tyrese, would say about men like Steve Stephens or Cedric Anderson. For instance, would it have mattered whether Joy Lane or Karen Smith had weave or butt injections, or how many 'miles' either had on their vaginas, now would it, Tyrese?

I think not.

And here is the truth of it. There are a lot of employed, educated, wage-earning, home-owning, car-driving so-called ‘good’ Black men who work with children, who are African-centered, who are pastors, and who are leaders in their communities. Black women just need to ‘give them a chance’ less we be accused of our standards being 'too high.'

And here’s another truth. There are plenty of employed, educated, wage-earning, home-owning, car-driving, church-going, so-called ‘good’ Black men who work with children, who are African-centered, who are pastors, and who are leaders in their communities who are capable of being emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to their women, and are capable of being users, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.

Their disguises and self-proclamations as ‘good men’ hardly matter.

I Know I Ain't Dumb!

Ajigunwa Olagoke is one smart dude!  I say this not only because he has a Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology, a Master's degree in Educational Psychology with a emphasis in Human Development, a doctorate in Educational Psychology with an emphasis in Gifted and Talented, and is a professor of Psychology at Clayton State University.  Ajigunwa Olagoke is a smart dude because he gets it!

I had the great privilege of speaking with Ajigunwa Olagoke on an early Saturday evening.  He's a self-acknowledged nerd, an acolyte of Dr. Amos Wilson, a vegan, and a yoga practitioner.  Right away, I honed in on his specialty of dealing with gifted and talented students because I wanted to know what classifies a student as 'gifted or talented.'

Dr. Olagoke told me, "Gifted and talented is often political and not actually based on a student's ability. A white parent may have the influence to get his or her child placed in 'gifted and talented' classes.  It doesn't necessarily indicate the child's ability.  But the parent knows that having his or her child labeled 'gifted' increases the likelihood that the child will get into a very good college or university."

According to Dr. Olagoke, when black children are placed in gifted and talented classes, it's in an attempt to assimilate them into the larger society.  In addition, there isn't a lot emotional support for Black children who are in gifted and talented programs.  And, there is a great deal of social isolation of Black children in gifted and talented programs because, sadly, we are still dealing with the old trope that being 'smart' is 'acting white.'

"On the other hand, Black folks tend to have a nuanced view about who is 'gifted' as well as an acknowledgement of the difference between being smart and being gifted.  'Smart' usually has to do with academic prowess.  'Gifted' is different.  Have you heard people talk about a child having an old soul?  Having an 'old soul' meant that a child displays a level of emotional maturity not typical of their chronological age.  That is a gift.  Another example is when we 'play the dozens'.  Doing well at playing the dozens demonstrates a quick wit and verbal acuity."

"Malcolm X was 'gifted' because he could take a lesson that Elijah Muhammad gave him and spin it another way, so that his audience could understand it."

"Generally, there's a dislike of intellectualism in the broader society, which includes Black folks.  We don't appreciate the diversity of our people.  We don't all have to behave, dress, or talk the same in order to be 'really Black,'" Dr. Olagoke says.

He continues, "We are not a monolithic people.  What we don't realize is that we need all of us to work together.  The skills and qualities that everyone has can be used for the betterment of our people including those of the nerds, bookworms and geeks."

"Look at it another way.  During the Civil Rights Movement, when Black people were boycotting stores and so on, there was a contingent of people who made sure none of our people went into stores that were being boycotted.  And all of them weren't of the Black middle class.  Often, Black folks who were teachers, business owners, doctors, etc., supported the Movement but couldn't get their hands dirty, so to speak.  But there were other Black people, street people, who didn't mind putting in work when needed to keep all of us in line with boycotts and other efforts."

I didn't know that.  Now I do.  It sure puts another spin on the 'village'.

Blackness has nothing to do with one's style of dress, one's ability to speak 'standard' English, or whether or not one lives in the 'hood.

"I measure one's Blackness by the level of commitment he or she shows to our people."

To that end, Ajigunwa Olagoke founded Tarafi Educational Policy Institute as a think tank and political analysis organization.  "We need to understand policies, laws and politics and relay that information in a way that it is understandable to everyone.

"We have to educate our children on how to secure power.  Dr. Olagoke says, "Our internalized hatred is a result of a lack of power."

What is power?  As Dr. Amos Wilson said, "Power is the ability to define reality and make others believe it."